The Cost of Destiny
by Carol Sandford
~Chapters 1 to 5 ~Chapters 6 to 10 ~Chapters 11 to 15 ~Chapters 16 to 20 ~Chapters 21 to 25 ~Chapters 26 to 30 ~Chapters 31 to 35~ ~Chapters 36 to 40~ ~Chapters 41 to 45~ ~Chapters 46 to End~
Chapter 41 to 45
Chapter forty one
Still entwined, neither spoke as they clung to each other, feeling each others hearts pound together in unity. They trembled like leaves in a breeze until the sweet, healing kiss ended, but for each of them, the tremble was for different reasons.
Even though Deanna had decided that the tenuous relationship between them needed to end, because she knew, deep down in her soul that only heart-break lay ahead for her, putting herself back into Will's arms and kissing him as they clung onto the Imzadi bond that shackled them with invisible chains, shredded every cognizant denial that entered her being. Will was to be forever a part of her, a part that became renewed and reborn each and every time she saw him, or touched him, and, God help her, loved him.
It was only when he wasn't close enough to touch that the demons came and took over, ripping him away from her soul, leaving her mindless with grief. And when logic and sanity penetrated the love that she felt cascade through her whenever Will was thinking about her, it scared her senseless. Scared her into doing the ridiculous things that she was doing, just to avoid him. Just to avoid the cataclysmic agony that stabbed at her heart incessantly.
That was until she stepped into his arms and it all vanished. If only you could stay here with me, Imzadi. If only you were truly mine she whispered silently, uncaring if her heard her or not, her small hands sliding up his back, pulling his heart nearer to her ear so that she could listen to the heavy beat, taking comfort in its unsteadiness, knowing that inside, he was suffering as much as she.
Sighing heavily, Will pulled her deeper into his embrace as he absorbed her silent words, resting his suddenly tired head upon hers as the wave of apathy flooded through him along with her words. Words that he didn't want to hear, or acknowledge.
She wanted him to stay; to give up Starfleet and remain here with her on Betazed. But he couldn't do that, even though his heart and his head were screaming at him to give in and become what destiny had recently bestowed upon him.
Imzadi. Such a powerful word and an even more powerful sensation, one that he could not ignore, even if he wanted to. Holding Deanna in his arms, greedily soaking up her love was testament to the strength of the bond. He felt it wrap itself around them both and tie them together, and equally, possibly even more so, he felt it when they were apart, but then it left him feeling torn, bereft and empty.
But, he reasoned, he would feel empty even without the bond. He loved this woman, with every fibre of his soul, and when he left Betazed, it was going to be the hardest thing he'd ever do. But, he was more than aware that leaving Deanna was going to leave a void in his life that he had no concept of dealing with. He didn't even know where to start.
But he was going to have to.
But not yet. Not tonight.
The resounding clunk of a door closing brought the couple apart with a puzzled frown. Dropping his arms down, Will linked his fingers with Deanna's and moved nearer to the window so that he could see the street below. Deanna followed his line of sight, her eyes settling on the retreating back of her mother and her trusted valet, Homn.
Fully aware that she'd been spotted, Lwaxana glanced over her shoulder, throwing a wave and a smile their way. Her noisy exit had been deliberate and she thought, very necessary. No one was more conscious of the decisions being made between her daughter and the man that she had chosen than she was. Destiny had to choose it's road, one way or the other, and she was going to help in any way that she could. Leaving them in peace seemed a good place to start, not that she thought that the young Starfleet officer would be bothered about her hearing things that were not for a mother's ears, or mind.
I'm going to the hospital to visit, Jeb, my dears. I may be some time she added glibly, her eyes lighting up with mischief before continuing on her way, the swish of her dress fading along with her footsteps, leaving Will and Deanna staring after her, bemusement and awareness taking over from where sorrow left off until she turned the corner, out of sight, and now completely out of mind. Will took a deep breath and steeled himself to face the woman beside him, knowing that things were about to take a different corner.
Shyly, their eyes met briefly, longing and doubt swam in their depths, creating a silent moment that neither seemed able to fill. Breaking their linked hands, Deanna found herself wandering aimlessly away from Will, moving cautiously and slowly as she endeavoured to fight against the magnetism that constantly hauled her towards him.
They were going to make love, of that she was sure. Her body and soul vibrated with the knowledge that they were going to be joined, in every nuance of the word once more. It was just a matter of when they would both give up the fight and succumb to her mother's more than blatant suggestion.
If only life was that simple.
Sighing, Deanna slowly sat down upon the small chair in front of her dressing table, her gaze never leaving the man opposite, who, after a moment, followed suit and sat himself down, upon her bed. It was the only logical place for him to sit and he did so with some reluctance. Not because it was her bed, and it was pink and frilly and he felt incredibly silly, but because he simply wanted her on it with him, doing the natural thing that lovers do on it, frills and all.
Deanna watched Will, ignoring his unease as she tried to find the words to break the uncomfortable silence. She took a deep, unsteady breath as she boldly faced Will and finally spoke. "You shouldn't have come."
Her decidedly brave but stupid words released the stiffness that kept Will's body rigid, inwardly smiling as he realized that she was going to keep up the futile fight. He liked fighting with her. It meant the making-up would require very ounce of his masculine skills to subdue whatever it was that kept her coming back for more.
Most of the time. There had been a couple of occasions when her arguing had torn him to pieces as he battled against her, leaving him mentally battered and bleeding. But not this time. This time he welcomed the argument because he'd been given Lwaxana's blessing to prove himself, and he wasn't going to waste the opportunity, even though it would probably be his last encounter with her daughter.
He took and even deeper breath than she. "Yes I should have. We're not finished yet, Deanna. You can't push me away this time." he said, with conviction.
Deanna swallowed, her dark eyes rising to meet his in defiance. "I will not let you destroy my life any further, Will. I don't want to see you anymore."
Will smiled, but the smile didn't quite reach his eyes. "Too bad. I'm not going anywhere until we resolve this." he promised.
Deanna blinked, fear creeping up her spine. "Resolve what?" she asked, bewildered, her slender shoulders rising. "You are destined for the stars, I am beholden to my planet, my people. One day, I will become an ambassador like my mother. I belong here, Will, and you will not stay with me."
Will stood and made his way slowly towards her. "You haven't actually asked me what my plans are, Deanna. You're being a little presumptuous about my future, aren't you?" he asked, reaching her chair and spreading his hands upon it's back so that he could look down onto her face.
Courage filled her again as she searched his azure eyes which now glittered with malice. "No," she told him. "You're a Starfleet officer. You would not have joined if your intention was to remain on land." Here with me she silently added.
"But things have changed, haven't they, Deanna?" he asked. "I made love to you and you changed my entire existence. I'm still not sure if I should be pissed about it or overjoyed." He pushed himself away from her, disgust and despair surging through him as he fought against the frustration that consumed him and her pull, a pull that seemed to constantly be there. He moved across to the window and stared unseeing out at the street below, trying to make sense of it all, and failing. When he spoke again, his heart hurt with the all the confusing chaos that it was trying to decipher. He gave up on that quickly too. "Frankly, lady, I don't know whether I'm coming or going, and I don't like the feeling."
His words hurt them both because they were each torn with the same excruciating dilemma, and for a long moment, Deanna couldn't answer him, simply because she didn't know what to say. But her silence unnerved Will; made him feel lost, desperate even, because he was conscious that silence usually meant the answer would not be the one he wanted to hear.
He spun on his heels, his palm reaching towards her, beseechingly. "Deanna." He paused, hesitant to ask the obvious. "Imzadi, what are we going to do about us?"
Deanna held the breath that caught in her throat when Will spoke the one word that meant more than live itself to her. "What do you want to do, Will?"
His answering anger made Deanna jump even though, deep down, she expected nothing less. She couldn't help it, it was the Betazoid within her; analysing, soothing, questioning. But Will's response quickly told her that this wasn't somebody else's life she was trying to aid, it was her own, and Will's.
"Damn it, Deanna, don't do that!" He roared, sorrow forcing his voice to crack under the strain of keeping himself from losing it all together. "Don't keep treating me like one of your cases. I deserve more than that. I deserve an answer, Dee. An honest answer."
The fire in his words left as quickly as they came and Will dropped to his knees onto the floor before her and took her icy fingers within his warmer ones, his eyes reaching into her heart for an answer for their desperate situation.
But she couldn't give him what he sought. "Will," she wept with the wretchedness that they both felt, her face twisted and tortured with indecision. "I don't know. I just don't know."
Will couldn't take anymore. It was over and done with with. They'd reached stalemate. Neither wanted to let go of something that they both realized was beyond their ability and comprehension. They simply were not ready to give every inch of their hearts, bodies and souls, and their separate lives to become what Imzadi required them to be.
One.
Nor were they prepared just walk away from each other without, something. And that something was there, now, right between them, waiting. Will answered the plea by pulling Deanna from her chair and up into his arms, holding her tight against his chest as he carryied her the few steps to the bed.
As he lay her down amongst the tumbled array of bedding and clothes, all got discounted as Deanna laced her arms around his neck, pulling him down with her, settling her mouth upon his as her head touched the soft pillow, their tongues snaking out to caress each others in a blatant and evocative movement that spoke volumes.
Gently, Will gathered her within his arms and kissed her as deeply as he could, stealing her breath away to keep it for his own, for another time, another place. For tomorrow, when he left Betazed, and Deanna, his Imzadi, for good.
The tears began to flow as they tenderly, reverently began to divest each other of their clothing. It was done in silence, a silence that was as accepted as the decision that had mutually passed between them as Will had picked Deanna up to carry her to the bed. To their last intimate bonding before he left.
To their final unspeakable goodbye.
Chapter forty two
The sunset's shadows crept across the naked couple, heating their skin as it said good night to the day, but neither Will or Deanna noticed as they lay upon the bed. The only sound to be heard was the seductive rustle of linen as slow, exploring fingers swept along each others bodies and the heady, desperate strangulated gasps of longing as they kissed. Unable to stop them, Deanna's tears trailed down her temple, through her hair to leave an ever growing damp patch upon her pillow but neither acknowledged them. Neither wanted to.
Will lay nestled between her thighs, his thick length nestled against her, comfortable to be there as though it belonged and had done for many years, the small movements along her heated and damp softness, delicious and totally torturous, familiar and wanted. The desire to plunge himself deep into her body consumed everything but his mind, but his heart refused to give in to the physical need. He was going to take it slow, even if it killed him, despite Deanna's futile attempts otherwise.
Eventually, Deanna began to squirm against him, trying frantically to move just so, so that Will would slip inside her, but he wasn't having any of it and evaded her every effort until, with a groan of agony, he tore his mouth from hers and captured her head within the palm of his hands and searched her face, pleading for mercy.
"Sweetheart," he moaned, "Baby, stop. I'm trying to go slow but you're making it impossible for me." But even as he said it, he couldn't stop himself from gyrating gently against her welcoming body.
But she was a novice, and right at that moment, Will was relieved that she was. A more experienced woman would have known how to manipulate him into getting what she wanted. A more experienced woman wouldn't be laying there with tears streaming from her eyes, the dark, glistening orbs begging him to make love to her. She would have flipped him over and impaled herself upon him. She would have reached in between their bodies and guided him into her. She would have...
In a heartbeat Will found himself flat on his back, the air leaving his lungs on a whoosh with the surprise and ferocity of her sudden and aggressive manoeuvre. Even though her eyes still shone with spent, and unspent tears, Deanna had that determined, 'I'm in control now, buster' upon her face.
Will stared at her, shocked at her boldness, his eyes widening even more as she shimmied her lower body down his stomach, her moist heat burning a trail all the way down to his burgeoning and waiting hardness and he couldn't stop himself from dropping his hands to her hips and guiding her to him, her dampness re-lubricating him, preparing him for that final union.
Dropping her palms to his hair-roughened chest, Deanna spread her fingers wide, balancing herself above him, tormenting him with her body, enticing him with her eyes and her smile. "So you think I'm not experienced, Lieutenant Riker, hmm?" she drawled, her voice husky with the tears that still threatened to fall. "You think that just because you've only made love to me twice that I know nothing about the act of having sex?"
Will inwardly groaned, realizing in an instant that the witch had invaded his mind. "That's not fair, Deanna. You have the advantage over...me." But his choice of words had a strange effect on him and he found himself growing still, his hands, his body, even his heartbeat for a moment.
Deanna grew still along with him, watching his face with dismay at her untimely admission, mentally berating herself for using her gift to better the man beneath her, a gift that was scorned amongst her own kind.
"I don't think I like you invading my mind, Deanna. It kind of makes a relationship pointless, doesn't it?" he asked sadly, feeling his body and ardour cool considerably. He shifted her from his lap and sat up, swinging his legs over the edge leaving her kneeling behind him. He felt her slump onto her heels, her sorrow sweeping over him in a wave that crashed against his own feeling of loss.
"I'm sorry," she murmured, and Will's shoulders drooped along with his futile attempt to argue against her. Time was too short, for them both, but he wasn't going to let up, not yet. He liked it when they sparked together, and they were both itching to re-ignite. But it still stung.
Surrendering to the inevitable, Will sighed as she shifted towards him and wilted when her hands settled upon his shoulders. He dug his fingers into the mattress' edge, shifting his frustration and longing into the bed's softness rather than aim it at Deanna.
"Then why did you do it?" he growled quietly, his attempt at inflicting some annoyance into his voice failing as she dug her fingers into the a tight knot between his shoulder blades that he hadn't even noticed was there. "Do you have any idea how it makes me feel knowing that whatever I'm thinking about, or who I'm thinking about, you know about it, intimately? It's trespassing on my privacy, Deanna. It's not fair."
But Will melted even more when he felt Deanna's mouth touch the top of his spine, her moist lips leaving behind an imprint that cooled as soon as her mouth left his skin, "I said, I'm sorry, Will." her voice grew husky and slightly sulky, but it only lasted for a second or two. Will felt a different shift in her and he stiffened in anticipation as he felt her breath against his nape as she trailed her tongue along it's length.
"Do you want to see what I'm thinking about?" she asked innocently, but the words were laced with mischief and Will soon garnered the idea that it was anything but when she pressed her naked breasts against his back and slid her palms down his chest, leaving feint welts as she raked them back up to his shoulders. One palm continued higher, pulling his chin around so that she could settle her open mouth upon his. The apologetic kiss barely began before she felt his tongue beg for admission against his stubborness.
But he couldn't deny her one thing as he twisted his torso and slipped one hand around her waist, pulling her around onto his lap, finding himself right back to where he was just a few moments ago. Gravity and Deanna's insistence pulled him back flat on his back. She hovered a scant few inches away from his face, looking deep into his eyes, and he was sure, right into his very soul.
Will drowned in the chocolate pools and he felt himself harden purely on what he saw before him. He laced his fingers with hers and silently they both studied the tender and innocent joining, so simple but so overwhelmingly powerful.
Will's gaze left their entwined fingers and he studied Deanna's face, his thoughts tumbling through his mind at what tomorrow would bring. He would leave her, he had to, and he wasn't looking forward to the fall-out that was going to happen.
But that was tomorrow. Today... today was different. Today he needed her. And today he wasn't going to let her go. Nor was he going to let go of her hands. She was so beautiful and Will mentally pinched himself to re-assure himself that he was indeed here, with her, in her bed and about to make love, both mentally and physically.
Why us? Why did have to go so wrong for us? he mused, a lump forming in his throat at the bittersweet gift that destiny had accorded him, a gift that was going to be the ultimate cost of something that would never, ever be fulfilled and his gut began to churn with a mixture of sorrow, and a strange sense of gratitude.
Deanna watched Will silently as she hovered above him and watched the conflicting play of emotions flicker, not only across his face, but through his entire being. Feeling slightly ridiculous, leaning over him, stark naked, hovering on the brink of taking him into her body, taking them both onto that next level of ecstasy, she gently lowered her form against his, the movement so subtle, so slow that anything sexual that could be garnered from the motion became diluted in the tender action.
Instinctively, Will's arms moved to hold her close, and he sensed the change in Deanna's mind and body again as they switched mode, both unable to hold onto the constant ebb and flow of their slowly crumbling relationship.
God, what are we going to do? he sighed, melting against her, tucking his face into the soft curve of her throat, drinking her scent, the sense of peace that always seeped through, calmed him, cherished him, and he wondered if it felt exactly the same for her.
Will's warmth flowed through Deanna, physically and spiritually, drowning her in the river of turbulent emotion that poured from each of their souls. What can we do? Deanna wondered sadly to herself, feeling the tears prick at her eyes again. She'd heard his silent question and her heart ached for not only him, but for them. For the loss of never knowing what their future was going to be like. For the children that they were never going to bear. For everything.
Deanna answered him silently. You're not staying, so I've got to let you go. But he didn't hear her, the thought too deep within her, too painful.
Deanna turned her face and buried it deeper into Will's shoulder as she tried to hold on to her crushed emotions, feeling a cascade of pure agony ripple through her, setting off a tremor that threatened to engulf her. But her gutteral silent thought created a breath from Will that was so painful that it was hoarse, Deanna realised that she had not only said it silently, she had whispered it aloud.
"I'm going to let you go, Imzadi. That's what I'm going to do. I'm going to let you go."
Time stopped, until unsteadily, Will pushed her up by her shoulders until he met her eyes head on. Lifting her face to his, Deanna hovered just above his, close enough for her to see herself within his blue eyes. Close enough for him to know that what she was telling him was important, even though it was breaking her heart. Moving his hands to gently cup her face, Will searched their depths for the truth and saw it there along with acceptance, sorrow, loss, pity, bravery, and her own tearful farewell.
"I'm sorry, Imzadi, I never meant for this to happen to us." He whispered thickly.
Deanna's eyes slipped shut as she tried in vain to shut out everything that was so desperately wrong, the small shake of her head defying her shattered heart. Will pulled her lips to his and gently kissed her. But one kiss wasn't enough to remove the searing pain that bubbled up from deep inside and he kissed her again. And again. And again until pain become a bruising ardour, determined to seek justice for being denied.
As the kisses deepened, their bodies responded to the gentle coaxing, and like two lost souls searching for home, they joined on every level. Will edged himself inside Deanna without the carnal need that had consumed him earlier. He didn't need it now; that all consuming need to take and possess her. He had gone beyond that.
This was about Imzadi, pure and simple. It wasn't about love, and it wasn't about desire. It was about being whole. Complete.
One.
A oneness that was soon to be ripped apart, forever.
Chapter forty three
When the steam filled the room once more, Will was aware that Deanna was standing quietly in the bathroom doorway watching him. It seemed eons ago that they had showered together, washing away the last remnants of their love-making, replacing it with something infinitely more memorable and everlasting.
He lay upon her bed face down, his head cushioned by his forearms as he dozed, waiting for her to finish her shower. Moments later, he grinned lazily to himself when he felt her weight touch the bed's edge and she crawled up his body, kissing her way up his spine until she lay flush upon him, settling her face between his shoulder blades, instantly comforted by the steady and even heartbeat against her breast.
The deep sigh that she took as Will raised a palm and lovingly cupped her head, his large hand engulfing it with its size, momentarily washed away the rising panic that bubbled up within her. It was almost time for the goodbye that had consumed them both for the last couple of hours to be become reality.
"You okay?" Will mumbled, his quiet voice heavy with tiredness, bone weary fatigue, and sadness.
Will felt her nod against his back, feeling her thoughts to his question fill her with a pain that coincided with his own and he realized then, that he couldn't walk away from her tonight and never see her again. As selfish as it made him seem, he needed to see her again. Tomorrow, before he left. Before he moved on with his life, and his career. That was his goal now.
It had taken a long and painful time to make his decision about whether to stay with the woman he loved, or leave her behind and fulfil his destiny.
Destiny had won.
Maybe, just maybe, they would find each other again, somewhere, sometime, out there, and be given a second chance.
Will was willing to risk heartache for a future. Only destiny, a word that had become to feature in many of his hope and dreams, and a few of his nightmares, would decide if he and Deanna would meet again. Only destiny would be cruel enough to deny them that chance.
The lazy strokes upon Will's arms and the tiny kisses upon his shoulders began to make Deanna's body stir. The towel that hugged her torso became an unwanted barrier and Deanna wished that she'd slipped it off before she climbed upon Will's back.
She wanted him, again. How long had it been. Ten, fifteen minutes? It wasn't long enough but she was dimly aware that it was a desperation creeping in; a futile attempt to keep him with her for longer.
Will felt Deanna wriggle against his butt with a movement that could not be anything other than sexual and he rewarded her with nothing more than a tired chuckle. "Forget it. I'm gonna need at least another hour."
Another hour.
He'd be gone in another hour and the comprehension dawned quicker than having an ice cold bucket of water thrown over them both, but before he could stop himself, his next words surprised them both as he asked her quietly but urgently, "Will you come and see me off tomorrow? I need to see you before I go"
Will turned his head enough to look into Deanna's startled eyes as she rose her head to move it enough to see his face. To see the plea in his eyes. Her silence as she watched him unnerved him a little; that she seemed to be considering refusing his unreasonable request. But now he'd said it; that he'd asked the unthinkable, he realized that he wanted it, more than anything.
He moved his face nearer to hers, hovering just a breath away from her mouth. Touching his lips to hers, Will whispered one word that was torn from his heart.
"Please?"
Moulding her lips against his, Deanna softened to his plea. She shouldn't do it. She shouldn't hurt her soul any more than it was already suffering. But then, she thought rationally, it couldn't hurt any more than it already does. Her heart ached with sorrow and her mind was numb with grief, but then, Will was suffering as much as she was, and if he was willing to prolong the inevitable, then so was she.
Quietly seperating her lips from his, her eyes shut tight against the pain that had surfaced with his plea, she murmured, before settling her mouth against his once more, "Yes, Imzadi, I will come."
Chapter forty four
He thought maybe it would take him maybe half an hour to pack away his belongings, but every time he picked something up, folded it and tucked it away into his holdall, Will didn't seem to be able to stop himself from slowly wandering around the room, coming to a halt each time in front of the small window that over-looked the large landscaped area before the camp.
Even though his heart, and his common sense told him that Deanna wouldn't come to him, he silently wished that she would. Outside he watched shadows move in the moonlight and thought, hoped that one of them was her, coming to him, only to deflate with immense disappointment when they disappeared out of sight and he was forced to move his thoughts, and his feet back to the task at hand.
The first inkling that he wasn't alone came as he stuffed, with a little more force than necessary, a pair of socks into a spare corner of the bag and he felt his spine stiffen with a combination of reasons.
Had she come to him? And now that she was here, did he really want to see her? He didn't know what he was going to say to her. He wasn't even sure if he could face her now. When he had left her barely a scant couple of hours ago, Will didn't even know if he was going to be granted his reassignment. It had taken a lot of coercion, a lot of bull-headed bravado, and finally it had taken threats to get him what he wanted;
Off this rock. Away from Deanna, and to the freedom that he was certain that he wanted.
But, God help him, if he was going to have to face her again before their pre-arranged time, he wasn't sure if he was going to be able to uphold any one of his many excuses.
The pull towards Deanna consumed each and every pore. Each and every coherent thought. Each and every indecision. Each and every one of them was eating him alive and he'd all but run out of the strength to fight them off.
But when he heard the very unmistakable rustle of the stiff material that only seemed to adorn one particular woman on Betazed, the breath left his lungs on a relieved whoosh. With his hands now shaking from the released tension that had gripped him, Will picked up another pair of socks from his bed, he carried on stuffing them into another corner of his bag. The silence was unnerving, but the anticipation of what was to come was even more daunting.
Without turning to face her, Will spoke first. "You didn't have to come all the way out here in the middle of the night to tell me what a bastard I am, Mrs. Troi, I already know."
Turning only his head towards her as she stepped into the room, Will waited for the inevitable tongue lashing that he was certain that he deserved. But she surprised him, yet again. The woman never ceased to stupefy him. She had so many hidden depths, talents, and a knowledge about life, and all it's quirks, he was constantly in awe of her, and constantly wary of her too.
Her casual stroll towards him didn't fool him either. The woman was on a mission and it was clear that she had come to say some things that he really did not want to hear, certainly not right now when his heart was bleeding with pain.
Instead of moving in beside him, like he expected her to do, Will coyly watched as she made her way over to the same window that had pulled him, God knows how many times, towards it. As she spoke, their eyes caught for a brief moment. "I know you do, William, but I'd thank you to not use that language within my earshot, please, Lieutenant."
His mumbled, 'sorry', was quickly shot down with a quick retort. "No you're not."
Will's eyebrows rose along with his eyes as they met hers once more. "No, I'm not, you're right. I'm worse."
It was her turn for her eyes to relay her surprise. "Why? Because you couldn't conform to a custom that your world has never heard about, or ever had the privilege of experiencing? Nor was it your fault, William that Deanna went out of her way to make sure that you became Imzadi."
Lwaxana pushed herself away from the window and slowly made her way towards him, her voice low with regret. "The only way you could have stopped that, William, was to never have come here, or not had fallen in love with my daughter."
Will went to open his mouth to speak, but she stopped him before he could get one word out and he closed it again with a snap. "That was taken out of your hands before you had even put your two big feet upon my planet."
The instant she had put the simple reason into viable words, the answer came to him as clearly as dawn breaking on the horizon.
"Destiny." He breathed, not even bothering to hide the touch of awe that slipped into the natural conclusion as it fell from his lips. It wasn't a question. It was a statement of fact, and Lwaxana answered with a tiny nod of her own head.
"Destiny." she confirmed needlessly.
For a long respectful moment, they stood and let the word settle between them. Such a powerful word, and equally, a word that could turn about on its heels and destroy; Beauty and the Beast. The Devil and the Divine. Heaven and Hell.
Which was which?
As Will tried in vain to claw his way back towards Heaven, he could only feel Hell grabbing him by the ankles and pull him back down. To where? he wondered. He thought he was already there, or almost there. A couple more hours and he would be. A couple more hours and the pain that was steadily ripping out his soul was going to succeed in it's sadistic task.
Will gasped as he tried to keep down the rising wave of agony that began to engulf him as he tried valiantly to hold it together before one of the few people who knew what he was going through, and it made him as angry as hell.
"So why has Destiny kicked us both in the proverbial nu....teeth?" he emended as he spotted the familiar unamused rise of her eyebrows. "Why aren't Deanna and I going to get a chance at fulfilling our destiny, Mrs. Troi? Tell me why not...please." he pleaded, with his heart on his sleeve.
"Because," she said sadly, "you're the one who's stopping it from happening. The human part of you is fighting it every step of the way. It won't give in, Will, not even knowing what it is about to lose, even though it is killing you inside."
Lwaxana blinked back the sudden tears that rose as she watched the man before her go pale with guilt; to know that it was his fault that all the pain and suffering was down to him alone. Down to his inability to give in. But even faced with the truth, his life-long demands to follow his dream still far out-weighed what Destiny had offered him.
Will's eyes sparkled suspiciously bright as he took his pain, and some of his anger out on Lwaxana. "Why did you allow it to happen to us? You could have had me kicked off this planet before I'd gotten off my ship. You had the foresight, and the power to have stopped all this before it had a chance to start."
Her simple shrug dismissed his blame as though she expected it, even welcomed it. Will had a lot of guilt to rid himself from before he left her homeworld. It was true, she did have the power to do everything that he'd said, and more besides, but life wasn't made to be that easy. She, of all people, knew that better than most, despite what it had cost her.
"Because I selfishly wanted my daughter to have her chance of happiness, as I had had,Will. I had to give her the opportunity to become your Imzadi. I could never have forgiven myself if I had purposely stopped the natural course of what was to happen."
Lwaxana turned away from him and headed back towards the window once more, leaning her arms along it's edge as she stared out in the darkness, sadness radiating from her as she lost herself to a memory that was hers alone.
Will stayed silent, instinctively knowing that she was going to say more, and moments later she continued. "The day I met Deanna's father, Ian, is as vivid to me as though it were only yesterday. I knew...I instantly knew, as soon as I saw him that he was mine."
She chuckled sadly at a memory. "He came with a hundred or so other men, but I was aware, more than aware before he had disembarked that he was my destiny."
Resting her cheek on her forearms, she turned to face Will, a tender smile lighting up her face even though the sheen of tears still brightened her eyes. "I wanted Deanna to know happiness, Will. I wanted her to feel what I felt when I met Ian."
"Ian died, Mrs. Troi, I might too." The stark admission knifed him in the heart, knowing that it would have felt the same to her too.
"And if you hadn't have come here, Deanna would never have known true Imzadi."
Will nodded slowly, an ancient proverb suddenly appearing in his head, making sense of Lwaxana's reasoning. "Better to have loved than to not have loved at all." he recited, aloud.
Lwaxana pushed herself to a stand and started towards him again. "A very prophetic quote, William. I couldn't have said it better myself."
Once again, they found themselves head to head again, sadness permeating the air around them as it waited for an answer even though neither of them had one, and both of them knew that.
"I can't stay, Mrs. Troi." Will said, with sorrow.
"I know you can't."
Will tipped his head in puzzlement. "Then why did you allow us tonight?" he wondered.
She turned away again, this time, heading for the door. "You both needed closure, and a last opportunity to reinforce your bond."
Lwaxana pulled open the door, stopping before she took the steps that would end their heart to heart but feeling the need to explain her strange parting words, she added, "Your bond has got a long time to hold you two together, but be warned, it won't wait forever."
Something surged through Will. "How long?" he asked, his heart thumping with expectancy of her answer.
Her smile was etched with conspiracy. "That's for Destiny to decide, that and maybe a little effort from you or Deanna."
Feeling happier than he had felt for eons, Will couldn't help but smile. "Thank you, Mrs. Troi."
She smiled back. "For what?"
Will raised his hand and rested his palm against the unsteady beat of his heart and whispered as a fresh wave of emotion rose up from it's depths. "For giving us something to live for."
Will was smiling as he turned away from the door, relieved that the confrontation with Deanna's mother had gone much better than he could have ever hoped for. She was an astounding woman; full of depth and a deep understanding for things that weren't the norm. Her own history had prepared her the harsher realities of life. Only she would know how both he and Deanna were feeling. Only she would know how their lives were going to play out.
But his relief was short lived as he barely had time to pick up the T-shirt from his bed when, this time, Will heard rather than sensed Lwaxana as she hovered in his doorway.
"By the way, William, when was the first time you had sex?"
As he swung his gaze back towards the door, the only thing that gave away his surprise was his raised eyebrows. He toyed as to whether he should answer or not, but then figured that the scene that just ran through his mind would have been like sitting in a movie theatre for her, Will quickly gave in, but not entirely. "Alone or with a woman?"
Her smile was indulgent. "Very amusing. Answer the question, Lieutenant."
Will sighed dramatically. "What has this got to do with my relationship with Deanna, Mrs. Troi?"
Only waiting silence met his reasonable question.
Will sighed again, well aware that he was already beaten. "I was fifteen and a half, and it was as messy as hell, for a variety of reasons." Will inwardly cringed with embarrassment at the long past hellish memory. He hadn't even gotten near to the girl's reproductive system before losing, not only his pride, but the pathetic release of manly liquid that went everywhere but where it was intended. He'd been so inexperienced and naive, and so dumb that he'd humiliated himself just purely by the erotic kiss that they were indulging in. And worse still, she had laughed at him. Will inwardly groaned, his eyes slipping shut at the monumental failure that haunted him still.
"So it was nothing like that with Deanna?" Lwaxana prompted.
It took a moment to register Lwaxana's voice, and her personal question, but when it did, Will realised that she had intimately witnessed his first bungled step into adulthood and was suitably shocked with her indelicacy. "Mrs. Troi! I..."
She waved away his indignancy with a flip of her manicured hand. "Humour me, William."
A different memory filled Will's head, a memory of a beautiful woman that gave everything to him, and more than he could have ever imagined. He'd taken it and cherished the honour. He swelled with pride. "No, Mrs. Troi." murmured, "nothing could even come close to what I had with Deanna. It was amazing." Will's heart lifted, the first time it seemed, for a long time, and with it came the familiar grin. "Your daughter was...is amazing, Mrs. Troi, but then you know that anyway, don't you?"
The tender smile they shared as she closed the door behind her as she left meant more to Will than he would ever admit. Giving him that precious gift of hope meant that his final meeting with Deanna wasn't going to hurt quite as much as he dreaded.
But it was still going to hurt, regardless.
Chapter forty five
Deanna took in the surroundings before allowing her dark, troubled eyes to finally settle on the object of her true intention; Will, standing amongst his fellow comrades; friends he'd made, Betazoids that had come to admire and respect him to wish him a fond farewell.
She'd dressed appropriately for the occasion, or so she had thought. Deanna had been tempted to wear an outfit that Will would never ever forget; something slinky, sexy and beguiling. But then, at the eleventh hour, she had changed her mind.
As Deanna had stood in front of her mirror assessing the gown she had chosen, her heart had become overcome with a feeling that she hadn't expected. A feeling that she had experienced not so long ago. A melancholy that she had felt when a friend had died. When Chandra had lost her life. It had swept through her; chilling her heart, clawing at memories that needed to remain light, turning them into nightmares that threatened to consume her very soul.
Will was leaving, and it felt like he was dying, right then and there, in her arms. She couldn't stop the reaction from sending a chill throughout her body. Hugging her slim arms around her midriff as the loss cascaded through her, Deanna continued to stare at her reflection in the long mirror, the tears that she longed to shed, finally breaking free as she let them cleanse her heart of the misery that had bottled up inside since Will had left her a few scant hours ago.
Death required a different outfit to the one that adorned her slender body. Stripping it off, Deanna reached into her wardrobe and pulled out a black high-necked and long sleeved top, slipping over her head before reaching in again and pulling out black pants that, although fitted her derriere snugly, flared out until they reached the floor.
The hair that she had pulled up into a high bun, leaving tendrils escaping here and there to take off it's harshness, Deanna freed it from it's confines and let the riot of curls fall to lay naturally down her back.
Now she looked as she felt; like a woman that was losing her soulmate. Taking one last look in the mirror, Deanna swept a shaky hand across her cheeks to wipe away the moisture that lay there, and then turned away with a deep sigh, pulled open the door and walked out and down the stairs, her footsteps as heavy as her heart.
As she put her hand on the handle of the front door, Deanna hesitated. She'd sensed her mother behind her, aware that she had paused in the drawing room's doorway, unsure if she should say something to comfort her daughter or let her be.
Deanna turned the ornate bar and pulled the door slowly open, she hesitated before turning her head far enough to face the one person that must have known what she was going through. Deanna offered her a sad but tentative smile. A smile that relayed to her that she would be okay. Lwaxana could only offer a watery smile back before turning away to remember a memory of her own, a memory that she needed to share with no one but herself.
Deanna headed down to the base, a walk that took her almost twenty minutes. Grateful for the solitude and the time to compose and prepare herself for the ordeal she was about to face, she wasn't prepared for the sight that greeted her as she approached the base's accommodation sector.
A riot of jovial laughter and chatter assaulted her ears and as Deanna stepped into the building, she realized that a party was in progress. Will's leaving party. Inanely, she had thought that their farewell would be somehow similar to when Will had gone to face the Sindareen; that they would be alone. That they would be saying goodbye amongst kisses and tears. But as she neared the room that the raucous laughter was emanating from, Deanna quickly realized that that was not going to happen.
Half concealing herself just outside the door, she watched the man that she longed spend the next half hour of her life with in private behave as though he was going on a routine run out and not as though he was leaving a bereft woman behind. Dismay rode her features as the enormity of the situation unfolded before her.
Her frown deepened still as she watched him throw back his head, letting go the roar of light-hearted laughter that Deanna hadn't needed to read his mind to know that it was of a rude nature. He stood so tall, so handsome, his Starfleet uniform, freshly laundered or replaced fitted his lanky frame as though it was to be forever moulded to his lean body, a harsh jolt to remind her of just who Lieutenant William T Riker truly was.
But despite his attempt of being at ease with himself, and his leaving, Deanna could see, without even delving into the depths of his mind, that his stance was rigid, and edgy. Desperate even. He listened intently; leaning towards those who spoke to him, afraid of letting his thoughts wander off to a place they did not want to go. He craved the people that clamoured for his attention as though everything depended on it, his very life. His sanity.
He's scared. Deanna quickly realized. He's petrified to be alone with me. The instant she had arrived and seen the crowd surrounding Will, Deanna was aware, probably more than Will had been, that it was a deliberate attempt on his part to reduce the pain that they were about to endure, to a level that could be tolerated.
Deanna wasn't sure if she was silently relieved, or pitifully saddened. Could the next few minutes be lessened to merely a fond farewell? To a chaste kiss on the cheek? Could she allow one solitary tear to be set free from the dam that bubbled and raged inside her, waiting to do it's absolute worst to her already bleeding heart, her tormented mind, and her completely tortured soul? Could she let him go without revealing any one of them to him?
God help her, no. But she had to try, for his sake.
When Will's buddies had descended upon his room just before ten o'clock after a spending the last few hours of night plagued by taunting, conflicting demons, some begged him to stay, others told him to go. To follow his heart. To go get the girl. To be the man he always wanted to be. To be the man that Deanna wanted him to be.
What did he do? He was emotionally ripped into two and the only thing that kept him from yielding to his hearts true desire, was his goal. The same goal that he had chased since he had been a boy.
To be captain of his very own Starship.
Even if it meant giving away his soul, a soul that he no longer owned anyhow. A soul that he knew now, he would one day reclaim, along with the woman who took it.
Deanna. His Deanna. His destiny. The destiny that he had been promised.
And then, as he'd roared with grateful laughter at the roguish wisecrack, Will's mind first tingled with a familiar sensation, the same sensation that he'd come to be too familiar with in short a time. A sensation that he knew he was going to miss, for a variety of reasons, the biggest being not being able to turn around and find her there, to see her beautiful face and be aware that she was only a touch away, mentally and physically.
Will felt his body tense as a wave of excitement that somehow, despite the situation, always found him turning towards the origin. The same magnetism that drew him towards her whenever she was close by. He couldn't stop it and he didn't ever want it to, and now was no different. The chatter that continued regardless of his sudden silence dissipated into a distant hum as Will found himself being pulled towards the source of his mind and body's pull.
Will took in a deep, unsteady breath as his eyes found hers, instinctively turning his body to face her head on. But that was as far as he got. His feet refused to move. He was aware of the voices around him, aware of the jocular taps on the shoulder as the men continued to include him in the conversation, completely unaware that the star of the show had his mind and eyes locked onto the woman that was slowly walking towards him.