Imzadi

THE GREATEST FEAR
by Carol Sandford
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’So, tell me, Lover, how will this work. How am I supposed to live without you? You say that you are here, and you are, in her. You bring me too much pain, but she brings more.

One of my greatest fears is being with you and not being able to love you. Love you in the way that I want, not the way that you desire. I just can’t do it, not with her.

You want us to be friends and I’m sorry, I cannot even be that. Friends trust one other. Friends confide in one another. How in the universe can I confide in you, trust you, love you, now that you are within her?

What I want, you can no longer give me. What I need is more that you are able to comprehend. I want it all Odan and I can’t have any of it, not one, damned thing!

I can’t live with the knowledge that you desire me even though you are within a woman’s body. My stomach recoils even though I know it is you who is talking to me.You who still loves me. You who still desires me. But it is her that will reach out and touch me, and I just can’t handle that, Odan.

I want to feel your strong fingers trailing paths over my naked body, and I want to inhale your masculine scent as I kiss your manly chest. I want to feel the rumble of your deep voice as you whisper in my ear, and I want to feel the power that only you can wield as you lay claim to my mouth, my senses and my heart.

Only you, Odan, only you.

I hate that she knows me so intimately. I thought I would die when it was Will that became the other half of me, but the shame of her sharing that intimacy was just too painful to bare. Too intimate. Too knowing.

I’m trying to reclaim my heart, and my soul, Odan. I want them back. I want them back in my safe-keeping, maybe to give to another man that won’t betray me in the same way that you did. You left my heart bleeding, Odan. You left my soul crawling back into the deepest, darkest recess that it can find, just so that I can get through another day without you.

But the nights...the nights I haven’t mastered yet. Pointless nightmares get washed away with pointless tears. Tears that still have the ability to leave me raw and still burn my skin as they continually pour down my cheeks, night after night.

But with each teardrop that falls, I know that I am cleansing a part of me that no longer needs you. The part that I need to survive and move on. The part that is holding on to the memory of what you were, and what we had been.

I know you want me to hand over my heart to you again, just so you can feel how strong it still beats for you. But you can’t have it Odan. You had it, and you gave it back and I’m keeping it, forever.

But you know that every time my heart beats, a part of it will remember you. I can’t stop that any more that I can stop the stars from twinkling. And I know that when I leave this existence, the last beat my heart takes, will be for you, Odan.

But the greatest fear is that I will die without you knowing that I still loved you as much as I did the first time I saw your face. The day you stepped into my life, my heart and my soul and took them over, completely.

But right now, I can’t tell you. I can’t tell ’her’. How could you do that to me, Odan. How could you?’