Imzadi

LOOKING FOR YOU
by Carol Sandford
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I watched the slim form walk away from me and she smiled as she looked back over her shoulder, her eyes alight with sensual satisfaction. Another success story for her and another shallow, meaningless roll in the hay for me.

It was another attempt at wiping you from my life.

And it failed.

Abysmally.

Again.

For a start, the woman was almost six feet tall and she was a red-head. How in hell's name can I make love to her and imagine it's you? I don't know how I manage it, but I do. Unfortunately, it usually smacks me in the face that it's not you right at the last minute. Right when it's getting to the crucial part. Right when our soul-name begins to overtake and consume me.

But I always end up saying it alone, silently, reverently, and utterly miserably.

I wonder if it happens to you when you, 'entertain?'

I hope so.

God, I hope so.

I look for you in everyone, everywhere, but I never find you, never. So I make do with second best, because someone's arms are better than no ones. That's what I tell myself, and that's what I make myself believe. I wonder what excuse you use.

One of these days, a woman is going to step into my life and make me forget that I'm hopelessly and desperately in love with you, Deanna Troi. But, Jeez, she is going to have to be one special lady.

Special enough for me to make love to her without thinking my soul is going to transcend into the most magical experience I've ever encountered in my entire life.

Special enough to come to me when I'm feeling sad or lonely, or just when I need to talk, even though I haven't uttered one word.

Special enough to make my insides turn to jello whenever she walks into the room and smiles that smile. The smile that is solely for me. The smile that says she loves me as much as I love her.

And special enough to stay in my life, no matter what happens, and something will, it always does. I need her beside me, within me, and surrounding me. I just need her with me, all the way.

Yup, that's going to need one mighty special lady.

"See you tomorrow night, Will. Same place, same time, okay?"

Her soft lilting voice breaks into my meanderings and I pull my eyes back towards her as she hangs seductively onto the door jamb, trying to tempt me with her long legs and creamy shoulder, her dress barely covering the voluptuous expanse in between.

I can see that she doesn't want to go, but I don't want to wake up beside her in the morning. I know that hurts her, but right now, I don't care. That privilege is reserved for one woman and one woman only; Deanna.

But even as I quietly sigh, "Sure, babe." She's already leaving my cabin, her disappointment evident in the droop of her shoulders, and I've already pulled the coverlet up to my neck, turned on my side and began to drift away.

It's time to dream again.

It's time to go looking for you.